How To Get Home After Kickball

Thursday at noon. Six and a half hours before gametime. While most kickball players are at work, in school, or taking care of important real life issues, I am tending to matters closer to my heart. I'm faced with a tough dilemma (Nelly). How can I drink an unrealistic amount of beers tonight and make it into a bed somewhere, while spending as little money as possible. If you are like me you do not live anywhere near the bar. You live in a nicer place, that has things that are open, and more than 1 bar. If that is the case, here are the options we have for making it home after a fun night of kickball.

Option 1: Stay Sober. This option is the smartest option. Waters at the bar are free, and you could have one or two beers and still be legally under the limit to drive home. However you will most likely be mocked. The insults get worse and worse the more beers your teammates drink. All of a sudden they are no longer your friends, and they want to destroy you. REJECTED.

Option 2: Drink & Drive. This is the worst possible option. The costs of a DUI are outrageous (Britney Spears), and you could pay $10,000 or more. You lose your licence, you can spend time in jail, and you could possibly get fired. Not to mention how awful it would be to kill someone else, or to die yourself. I always like to think about the commercials when considering this option. You drink, you drive, you lose...and I'm on Team Awesome, we don't lose. REJECTED.

Option 3: Go Home With A Teammate. This seems like a very reasonable option. Teammates are usually good friends. You guys battle together on the fields and you are all one big family. That is until you ask if you can crash at someones place. Then reality sets in and they realize that you aren't their friend. In fact who the hell invited you onto the kickball team in the first place. You could split the cab fare and drive back to the cars in the morning, or if they stay sober you spend $0. But in the unlikely case a teammate lets you crash, you may wake up using a XXL pair of tighty whities as a blanket, or wake in a cold sweat wondering how can one person have so many visors. HEY TEAMMATES!

Option 4: Take A Cab. This option is the one usually employed, but is very costly. A cab will cost around $40 bucks just to get to somewhere relatively close to civilization. While its much better than the drink and drive option, it is very costly. Lets not forget about how long it takes a cab to get to the bar, and how people steal your cab out front. PROBS GONNA HAPPEN

Option 5: Priceline Hotel. This option has never been successfully done. The idea here is to get a hotel room nearby that will be cheaper than the cab ride home. I'll spare you the details but Priceline did not like all my bids that were $30. LAUGHED AT BY PRICELINE

Option 6: Go Home With A Girl. This is the least likely option. I mean seriously. Look at yourself. You are ugly. You are unmarried, in your late 20's and you are at a dead end job, and here is the kicker. You are in a kickball league. Ouch, not something that impresses the ladies. If Ben Roethlesburger has to do what he did, what are you supposed to do. I mean his super bowl rings really outshine your WAKA championship rings and he played FOOTBALL. You just moved out of your parents basement, which while better than last season, your new tiny room is nothing to brag about. Oh...am I just talking about myself in this one? REJECTED (multiple times by every girl in the league)

As you can see there are many options which require you to start thinking early. I didn't even touch on the various bus schedules that I memorized, or begging people for a ride home. I also skipped on the 2nd part of the equation, Getting Back To Your Car In The Morning. Preparation for that journey is already on my mind. Maybe I'll write that one next. Oh forgot one more option.

Option 7: Go Home With You. You just read this and thought "wow that is so funny and so sad". You want to do your good deed for the week, and pay it forward. If you are a lady, no problem. If you are a guy, well then we are just friends. Either way you will be helping out a poor college student, and making the next day email stories much more exciting. PENDING