You Are Cute!

"You are cute!"

Sounds like a simple phrase. There is no code here. There is nothing to translate. There is no hidden meaning. So how come two minutes after a girl tells me this, I am nowhere near her?

So, back to the beginning.

Part I

I left work early (essentially losing a nice chunk of money since I'm hourly...but only cuz I'm a grad student not because I don't have a real job...grad student ladies, that means money eventually...lock it down now) What happened I blacked out. Anyways, so I get home and have my friend come to pick me up so I don't have to repeat any of my classic bus riding stories. But will things work out smoothly? No chance. My friend's car breaks down in front of my house. Our idea to get to the bar at 5:30 for some serious pregaming is shot, and we now have to drive miles and miles and miles to finally get to our destination of the bar.

I poured myself a nice rum & coke before we left, and forgot to drink it on the way. So upon arrival to the park, I chug the solo cup filled with 3/4 rum and 1/4 coke. F***.

I am still wearing non-athletic shorts so i decide that I'll do a quick changing in the parking lot. On a sober day, I can do this in like 1.8 seconds. Not this time. My shorts got stuck on my shoes, and i was stuck pants down in the park. When this happened I panicked and it became even harder (wait for it) to get my pants off. I was just in the middle of the road of a crowded busy park, pants stuck at my ankles. Adrenaline kicked in and I finally had pants on and was ready to go.

I did not have an official uniform and instead had a white t shirt. I did not have any socks and also really wanted to show off the muscles, so I killed 2 birds with one stone. I ripped off the sleeves of my t-shirt and used them as socks. It did not work as I had hoped, but good enough.

There may have been some kickball played at this point...and we're done

Part II

If you don't know what Icing someone is, it is when a bro presents another bro with a Smirnoff Ice and they have to chug it on one knee. Google it. Its really lame, but I thought it was cool for a day. I had an idea to "Ice" my bro and as he was rounding third base what would be waiting for him at home plate but an ice cold Smirnoff Ice. The perfect plan. Except Rodney Rulebook (as my dad would say) told me not to bring alcohol to the field or I'd be in big trouble. Fail!

After last weeks Michelob Ultra incident where I was made to feel emasculated, I decided that this week at the bar it was all Bud Light all the time. I'm a man, I have chest hair (its new but its there). I say bad words. I like food. I read the newspaper in the bathroom. So my plan of being a man is working really well.

My roommate stops by the bar to hand me some much needed deodorant. He hands me a bag and says "here is your deods bro!". As I felt the weight of the bag my heart dropped. I knew I had been iced. So like a good sport I got down on one knee at the bar and with everyone watching Chugged the hell out of that Smirnoff Ice. Emasculated again!

Later in the evening I tried to patch things up with the girls who I poured drinks on and behaved inappropriately on, a few weeks prior. I tried to dance with a girl who told me that she "Ain't no dumpster" and told me vivid details about her Vag-rancy. (except not rancy and something else). The girl just screamed at my dancing and ran away. Apparently woman part talk is not bad, but my dancing is.

Later some of the ladies of kickball were presented to me, the ones that would be available for the sex auction. Apparently for a small donation to charity, I can go home with one of them. Duely noted. I'll be saving up and bringing my lunch to work for a few weeks.

And that takes us back to "You are cute". I was complaining about how the other guys get to be auctioned off for a date auction and how I'm the handsome one who should be auctioned off. I said that other guys would make more money, but she said that instead that I should be up there, someone cute. I told her that they better find someone cute. And thats when she said "no dummy! You are cute" Over my head. I promised her I would bid on her (drunk talk) in the auction but only if she went home with me. She said something like "Ok I'd be up for that" in a very serious tone.

So what did I do? Did I continue talking to her? No. Did I ask for her phone number? No. Did I do anything normal? No. Instead I got out a piece of paper and instead of writing down my number, I wrote down the kickball story web site and handed it to her. Her reaction was like "wtf are you stupid" That's about right.

On the way home (I was told) I rocked out to journey and took hundreds of dollars from the ATM. My secret Facebook profile where I monitor my real Facebook profile showed that I hadn't done anything stupid. Another good time.