Bloody Murder!

I woke up in a haze in the middle of the night.  The clock read 4:30am and life at the moment was a little blurry.  My head was pounding, my entire body ached, and my stomach was cramped up.  I looked at my bedroom sheets and screamed out loud.

The bedsheets were soaked in blood.  It was terrifying, but once I realized what was going on I felt a little better.  What a magical day. I had finally become a woman.

Wait a minute...I'm a dude! What the hell!!!!!

Upon further examination, it appeared the blood was coming from my knee region.  Sorry...regionS.  Both of my knees featured beautiful scabs with dry blood running down to my shin on each side.  I couldn't exactly remember how the injuries happened, but I had an idea.  Kickball...

The previous day I had a big kickball game against some color team.  There were some kicks, some throws, and whatever else happens in kickball.  But at one point while on base I decided that I was going to go for the glory and try to score a precious run...I took off from third base and headed towards home.

About halfway there I started to think to myself in my head.  I wondered why I was running so hard.  I wondered why I was playing this game.  I wondered why I didn't ask Suzy to the 8th grade formal.

By the time my eyes came back to reality I realized that the other team was not happy about me trying to score that run.  In fact they were trying to stop me.  It was almost like there was some kind of "competition" happening.  I thought this was kickball!

As I galloped towards freedom I noticed that a big red ball was headed towards me...and there was only one way to avoid it...

What I'd like to imagine happened next was a scene out of a Tchaikovsky ballet.  The beauty.  The grace.  The dexterity.  I flew through the air with the greatest of ease, causing all who were privileged enough to be spectating to gasp with wonder and excitement as I slid cleanly and safely into home plate...but what actually happened was just a tad different.

What actually happened was a scene out of a Saw movie.  The terror.  The horror.  The gore.  I bungled through the air with the grace of a paraplegic elephant, causing all who were unlucky enough to be spectating to gasp in pure disgust as I tumbled towards home plate.

I fell towards the ground like a person who has never done an athletic thing in their life and my knee decided that it was going to take a roadtrip through the grass.  As the combination of sharp grass and hard ground tore apart my skin cells , I noticed that my foot was touching home plate, and that the ball had not touched me.  I believe according to the rules, that means I scored.  I was a true champion.

If only Suzy were there to see it all...