Lonely Steak

It started the way most crazy nights do.  I forget to eat.  I remember to drink.  One day I'll flip those two around and my life will improve exponentially.  One day.

You know what is really boring?  Working from home.  It sounds like an amazing life, but it isn't.  I sit at home all day and work, and when I get home from work, I'm actually still at work, cuz I'm home.  It is dreadful and monotonous.  Imagine sitting in your cube all day, driving home, and then watching TV and sleeping...in your cube.  That is my life.

So after a week in bed (or I guess you could call it my desk), I decided I needed to get out of the house early.  I got in my car and headed to the bar.  When I arrived I was shocked to find out that it was only 4pm.  (seems I'm really bad at estimating time...but I'm getting a little ahead of myself).

The bar was amazing as usual.  I checked Facebook on my phone for 2 hours while I drank alone waiting for anyone that I knew to show up.  Heck, I would have taken anyone I recognized, or even...well anyone that was breathing.  But nope, just me, a beer, a blue and white F, and 300 people I despise.  Do you realize how many cat photos you see in 2 hours?  It's mind boggling.

Eventually someone showed up, I don't remember who because basically I don't remember anything.  It was probably Bob, or Sally, or...well who cares.  I do recall beers, bad jokes, and at one point finding myself in the back seat of a car, and not in the good way (seatbelted with cotton candy).

I can only guess that this car was transporting me to the annual kickball rules meeting.  If you don't know what that is, it is a meeting where the kickball people teach us the rules without explaining to us why the nerds who made these rules changed them from baseball so much.

According to reports I was there for 1 minute.  The exact same amount of time as the people who run the league, who stayed just long enough to say "hi" but not long enough to say "hello".  Very accommodating leadership.

After that informative meeting (if the ball is pitched over the plate, it is called a strike, if it is not it is called a ball) I was back at the bar doing my usual schtick. Wrestling girls, insulting people to their faces, and being really awkward while hitting on chicks.

By the time the captain's meeting rolled around (yes there was a captain's meeting too) I was "buzzed" as the people say.  (If you didn't know the 3 stages of drinking, 'buzzed' is a way to be in denial about being drunk off of like 2 beers...'tipsy' means you are starting to accept the fact that you are drunk off of like 2 beers...and 'hammer time' means you have fully realized that you are a lightweight)

I remember bringing up a lot of great points in the Captain's meeting.  Most of them had to do with the Fun Squad being amazing, and Brent being short.  (You'll meet Brent one day...there is no avoiding it...tip: if you can't find him you are looking too high)

With all my obligations of being a team captain aside, it was time to really let loose and have some fun.  In my mind the next day, what happened was a scene from Project X.  According to sources the next day, what happened was a scene from Intervention.  (Is that why we were all sitting in a circle?  I thought we were playing Duck Duck Goose)  I'm gonna go with a little from column A, a little from column B.

Finally I reached the point in the night where I bounce myself.  That means I independently realize that I've had too much to drink, I force myself to close my tab, and I promptly kick myself to the curb.  Or...it may have been the bouncer who did those things...I can't be sure...I'm a 6 foot tall jacked dude with huge muscles right?

Now, comes the part of the night I call "Lonely Steak".  This is the part of the story that happens every Thursday where I stumble over to the Outback Steakhouse next door, sit by myself at the bar, order a steak, and then call my mom and beg her to come pick me up because I have no idea how to dial a taxi.  Did I mention that the sun was still out?

I finished my steak (was it delicious?) and then walked over to my car.  No, I don't drink and drive, in fact my car is still at the bar and I'm writing this 2 days later.  I went into the trunk and pulled out my laptop...I need this for when I get home to watch po...do business stuff.

Unfortunately for me and my image of being pretty cool, my new laptop bag is actually luggage.  But instead of pulling it on it's wheels I wear it like a gym bag.  Quite frankly it looks ridiculous.

I took this monstrosity with me and went back into Carpool to wait for my ride.  The bouncer (a new guy) literally said to me "we don't usually allow giant bags in here".  He granted me an exception and I walked around getting heckled until my sister (I guess my mom was busy) called and told me she was out front waiting.

The conversation on the way home went like this:

me: "Turn your music down, it is almost midnight!"
sis: "It's 8 o'clock"
me: "WHAAAAAAT.  Take me to McDonalds!!!!!!"
sis: "Didn't you just eat at Outback"
me: "I don't know, I want MCDONALDS!!!!"

If there was more (or if there was McDonalds) I don't remember it...8 freaking o'clock...are you serious????!!!!!  STORY OVER!!! DON'T TELL ANYONE WHAT YOU'VE READ!!!

Wait...the season hasn't even started yet...this was the pre-meeting night...Yikes...see you Thursday...