You Are So Asian!

10:29pm: "You are so asian"
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It wasn't that late, but I was sitting in the bushes on Reston Parkway.  I had already walked 4 miles of the 14 miles home from the bar, a walk that I had actually completed once before.  But this time, By the 4th mile I could walk no farther.  I started looking in the woods/bushes for a place where I was going to have to spend the night.

An hour earlier I had started my walk. The goal was to get to the local towncenter where I would get a cab. But on a Thursday night for some reason there were no cabs, so I did what any normal man would do. I started walking towards my home.

Along the way several things happened.  Most notably, I called a number in my phone which somehow turned out to be my dad.  "Son?"  I hung up on him.  Secondly, I texted someone.  A lot.  No idea who.  I think I thought I was texting somebody, but upon second look this morning I may have texted that to some white dude.  Or was it Beverly?  Wait, is Beverly a real person?

As I sat in the back of my mom's car, I wondered how I had gotten to this point.  Yeah, my mom's car.  That is who rescued me.

Then I remembered. I ordered beer w/ 9% alcohol content...the whole night, but drank it like it was water...

The highlight of the night was when I was talking to this married lady.  I saw out of the corner of my eye that these 2 girls were making an awkward move to come talk to me.  Eventually they decided to just go for it (like sisqo) but when they got to me they panicked.  I decided to mess with them. "Married lady, this is Veronica".  Her name was not Veronica.  That move alone flustered them to the point where they didn't talk to me.  They talked to married lady instead. They were so flustered that they asked her how old she was, and when she answered truthfully, they were like "Ew!"

One of the girls finally got up the nerve to talk to me.  When I asked her what her name was she told me to guess.  Seriously ladies, that is your move.  Guess?  Anyways, she gave me a hint that her name started with a certain letter, let's say it was J, because it was.  Her second hint was "there are only 2 names that start with that letter".  After meeting a lady who named her kids Aspen and Pierce a day before, I assured her that there were several names that started with that letter.  Obviously I started with Jessica.  But that was not the answer.  The guesses continued.  Julia, Julio, Jones, Jimmy, Jefferson, Jackie, etc.  Wrong Wrong Wrong Wrong Wrong Wrong.  Eventually I hit...but I clearly already forgot.

The rest of the night is pretty much a blur.  I do remember a few things.  Well, one in particular.  The ass grabbing. No, not by me. By ladies in our kickball league.  I never realized how bad it had gotten until I was talking to one girl and another girl came up and grabbed my ass.  At that moment I started to take into account all the ass grabs.  And let me tell you, there were a lot.  You know that book Green Eggs and ham?  Well replace the green eggs and ham with ass grabbing.

I did get ass grabbed in a house, I did get ass grabbed with a mouse, I do not like ass grabs by pam, I do not like them Sam I Am!

So as my mom drove me home I recalled the night and what had happened.  I looked at my texts, grimaced at the pain from the pinch marks on my backside, and cried a bit inside that I texted Josephine with blank texts.  Just another night after kickball...